Tearing Up Northern Thailand

Scott and I saddled up again on our monstrous 125cc Hondas to roam the countryside. We headed off towards the Golden Triangle on the Mekong River which is where Thailand, Myanmar, and Laos meet. Before we got there we couldn’t help pulling off into the Hall of Opium. The Hall of Opium is a state of the art museum depicting the history and everything else having to do with this addictive derivative of heroin. No free samples, but still an educational experience worth the stop and all profits support local hill tribes. The most interesting fact to me was how the British controlled most of the opium trading with China, exploiting their addictions to finance their own tea trading. Of course that’s the Thai version of the story, but still. Then it was off to the Golden Triangle. Basically it was a giant Buddha in the middle of the Mekong. The Burma and Laos side were desolate while the Thai side is one of the worst tourist traps in Northern Thailand. It was chock full of giant buses and Japanese tourists, so we took a couple of pics and hit the road. That evening we met Johnny. We were planning on taking a boat trip down the Mekong, but Johnny convinced us that it wasn’t worth the 400 Baht , and that we’d seen the sites already, and offered to take us on a tour himself via motorbike through the mountains. He was drunk when he offered, but we made plans to get up with him in the morning.

Johnny is Thai. His wife runs the restaurant he owns, he has spent a lot of time in London and speaks very good English. There was no charge for this tour he was taking us on which made me wonder if he was going to abduct us, or if we were just so cool he wanted to hang out with us all day. Personally, I think the guy will do just about anything to get out of the restaurant and away from his wife. So we met up with Johnny at the bus station around noon. He had clearly been drinking with three old western guys. One guy’s Thai girlfriend had just ditched him and hopped on a bus somewhere, he didn’t seem too concerned. Johnny slammed the rest of his beer and we were off down the road. Lonely Planet advises that only experienced motorcyclists should ride large dirtbikes up to Doi Tung as the roads are very windy and mountainous. We were on two of the crappiest little scooters in town, Scott having minimal experience, and far and away the drunkest tour guide around.  He took us to a couple hill tribe villages first where we saw how they grow and trade coffee these days instead of opium.  There were still a couple of old timers sitting around chasing the dragon.  We sat at a scenic overlook and Johnny told us about the police and military checkpoints we were going to have to go through.  We had passed through one the previous day with no problem and I asked him if it would be a problem since he was mao (drunk).  He then pulled out a laminated card that read “Special Agent – Tourist Police” with his name and photo.  Mai pen rai – no problem.  Johnny flew down these roads like he’d done them a thousand times drunk, and Scott and I trailed behind on our little bikes that were struggling up the hills.  Better to give Johnny a little distance anyway, right?  These roads really made me wish I had my motorcycle from back home.  More twisty and more scenic than Skyline Drive, and quality roads too.  We made lots of stops, and Johnny had a smoke and a beer at every one.  We rode a couple feet from a Burmese border outpost, and then stopped 50 yards down at a Thai border outpost where Johnny told us that we had just crossed the Myanmar border again.  From the Thai outpost we could see the opium fields on the other side, and we started into some Thai politics when the Army Captain yelled something at Johnny and he hid his beer.  Apparently some members of the Royal Family were coming up the mountain to see the outpost and we passed them on the way out with their police escort and their big, fancy Toyota Landcruiser.  Ah, I miss my truck.

After our military excursion with our own police escort, we went to the Royal Villa and Gardens.  Johnny recommended skipping the Villa as it was expensive and boring, but going to the gardens.  So Scott and I held hands and skipped gayly through the Royal Gardens.  Not really, and we weren’t to keen on the gardens at first, but they were pretty cool as far as gardens go.  We made a brief stop at a Forest Rark which I guess is Thai for Park, and then on to feed some monkeys.  We skipped the last stop, a cave, so that we could make the 5:40 bus back to Bangkok.  So with some abrupt goodbyes and some Baht stuffed into a handshake for some of Johnny’s beers later, we parted ways.  Easily the best tour guide ever, not the safest, but certainly the most fun.  If you’re ever in Mae Sai, stay at Monkey Island, and stick your head in Uncle John’s to find Johnny.  Just try to catch him early, and don’t ride on his bike.

So now we’re back in Bangkok.  Hopefully not for long and then we’re off top the islands.

~ by deanius on January 18, 2008.